Are you ready for this?
Sometimes I feel like this:
... a tree growing in a less than ideal place, trying to grow but being hindered...
...or like I'm hanging on by a thread...
...and even like I'm trapped. Like everything around me is trying it's best to weigh me down and hold me back and keep me stuck.
Lately I have just been feeling defeated. Not in an overly abundant makes me nonfunctional way, but just an underlying sense. And the thoughts 'if we just made more money' or 'had better insurance' or 'had more time' and even, ashamedly 'didn't have Theodore'.... they keep creeping up on me.
For instance, today Rambo saw his new pediatrician. You know what he told me? That Theodore has scoliosis. I never noticed it. Nor did any of his other doctors... why? How has every single doctor missed this? How did I, even though I see him every day, miss this? Sure, I'm not the one who gives him baths and I guess inspecting his back isn't really something that happens on a regular basis. But here we are at yet another set back... quest, thang... whatever you want to call it. They just keep coming.
So I'm trying to take a deep breath. To take it all in stride. Not to pretend like it's not happening because that will only get me into more trouble in the future. And not even trying to fight it. But when those thoughts creep in, or the frustration, or the feeling that this is never going to end I remind myself.
I remind myself that God is for me. Whether I like it or not, whether I believe it or not, whether I understand it or not. And that is the simple truth. It just is.
Lately I have just been feeling defeated. Not in an overly abundant makes me nonfunctional way, but just an underlying sense. And the thoughts 'if we just made more money' or 'had better insurance' or 'had more time' and even, ashamedly 'didn't have Theodore'.... they keep creeping up on me.
For instance, today Rambo saw his new pediatrician. You know what he told me? That Theodore has scoliosis. I never noticed it. Nor did any of his other doctors... why? How has every single doctor missed this? How did I, even though I see him every day, miss this? Sure, I'm not the one who gives him baths and I guess inspecting his back isn't really something that happens on a regular basis. But here we are at yet another set back... quest, thang... whatever you want to call it. They just keep coming.
So I'm trying to take a deep breath. To take it all in stride. Not to pretend like it's not happening because that will only get me into more trouble in the future. And not even trying to fight it. But when those thoughts creep in, or the frustration, or the feeling that this is never going to end I remind myself.
I remind myself that God is for me. Whether I like it or not, whether I believe it or not, whether I understand it or not. And that is the simple truth. It just is.
<3
ReplyDelete